Carlisle & Bray Enterprises is proud to present

2026 Triple Crown
Member-Member
Champions

Colson “Tugboat” Holland & The Partner — together since 2021. A partnership built on trust, chemistry, and one guy doing 94% of the work.

One championship · One wedding · One putter, used in error

Mark Skiba and Colson Holland, 2026 Triple Crown Member-Member Champions
“Congratulations to our 2026 Member-Member Champions, Mark Skiba and Colson Holland.” Two plaques. Two names. One of these men putted from the rough on the last hole. We will get to that.

There are wins, there are big wins, and then there is what happened at the 2026 Triple Crown Member-Member, where Colson Holland and The Partner etched their names into a plaque that will hang in a hallway people walk past on the way to the bathroom for the next forty years. Immortality. Real, tangible immortality.

This website exists for two reasons. The first is to permanently document that championship so that no member, guest, groundskeeper, or future Holland child can ever claim it did not happen. The second is that Colson is getting married on Saturday, August 29th, and we felt a full-scale public roast was more economical than a gift off the registry.

1Triple Crown Title
68MPH Career Fastball
0Of Dad's Shoes Filled
2″Of Rough. He Putted It.
35'Uphill Putt, Same Hole
Leagues Out Of His

The Partnership

Two men. One trophy. A wildly uneven distribution of labor.

Colson “Tugboat” Holland

CFOCarlisle & BrayC&B MarineC&B Energy

Chief Financial Officer of Carlisle & Bray Enterprises, which is how he got the nickname, or so he would very much like you to believe. Low center of gravity. Enormous heart. Owns, and this is the tragedy of the whole website, a genuinely outstanding short game. Son of Dr. Ed Holland, the best eye surgeon in the world — a fact he works into conversation at a rate of roughly once per nine holes, and a set of shoes he will not come within four sizes of filling.

The Partner

CloserIce In VeinsActual Golfer

Handed Colson as a partner at the last minute in 2021, having never met him, and won their flight that weekend — which tells you everything. They lost the all-flights playoff that year. Five years later they came back and took the whole thing. What we know is this: when the tournament was on the line and his partner had just left a putt halfway up a hill and watched it roll back down, he stood over a 35-foot uphill putt and rolled it into the center of the cup like he was mailing a letter. He did not celebrate. He did not even watch it — he turned and started walking while the ball was still moving, because he already knew. It had not reached the bottom of the cup before he was on his way to shake hands. That is the whole personality. That is all you need.


Start Here

Two full pages on the championship. The rest is character evidence.

The Run

Championship, part one. Strangers on the first tee in 2021, flight winners by the end of the weekend, and a playoff that got away. Five years of unfinished business.

The 18th Hole

Championship, part two. Two inches of rough, an elite short game, and he reached for the putter. Full forensic breakdown.

Why They Call Him Tugboat

The official story is the CFO thing. There are eleven other stories. Some are worse.

The Headcovers

He is quietly rebranding Triple Crown Country Club after himself, and has a three-boat fleece fleet. Both real.

The 68 MPH Fastball

Radar said 68. The hitters said something else entirely. The math is genuinely upsetting.

The Physique

He got jacked. Nobody asked him to. The shorts, however, are a separate matter entirely.

The Hollmans

Rob, Molly, Lauren and Logan. He is marrying up. Not slightly up. Aggressively, visibly, cosmically up.

August 29th

The countdown, the predicted order of events, and a toast we mean every word of.

The Championship · Part 1 of 2

The Run

Not their first rodeo. Two strangers in 2021, a flight title that same afternoon, and five years later the whole thing.

Member-Members are decided by a small number of moments, and the 2026 Triple Crown was decided by roughly nine of them. In eight of those nine, The Partner did something that should not have been physically available to him. In the ninth, Colson Holland made a club selection that we have given its own dedicated page, because it could not be contained within this one.

What follows is the official record of the run, assembled from scorecards, secondhand accounts, and at least three men who were not there but tell it better than the men who were.


2021: The Origin

Paired at the last minute. Total strangers. Won their flight — and then lost the one that counts.

This is the part that reframes the entire 2026 championship, so pay attention. Colson Holland and Mark Skiba did not build this partnership over years of practice rounds and shared strategy. At the 2021 Triple Crown Country Club member tournament they were thrown together at the last minute — a scheduling fix, not a plan — shook hands on the first tee as complete strangers, and then won their flight. First time out. Never met before that morning.

Mark Skiba and Colson Holland, 2021
2021. The morning they met. Note the body language of two men who have known each other for roughly four hours. By the end of the weekend they had won their flight. The playoff would be a different conversation.

Think about what that means from Mark Skiba’s side. A man turns up to a tournament, is handed a partner he has never laid eyes on with essentially no notice, and wins his flight. That is not luck — that is a man who was going to win regardless of who got assigned to him, and Colson Holland happened to be standing there when the pairings got redrawn.

Handwritten scoreboard: Holland / Skiba
The board. Marker on a laminated sheet, which is exactly how a real member-member records history.

It is all right there. Holland / Skiba — a 13 in red — then 6, 6, 4, 6 — 22 — and 26½, boxed in red pen by somebody who understood exactly what they had just watched. Clancy underneath, forever. No trophy, no plaque, no Instagram post. Just two names in a hand that was clearly in a hurry.

And then they lost.

Because winning your flight is not winning the tournament. Winning your flight gets you into the all-flights playoff — the flight winners against each other, sudden death, for the actual title. In 2021, two strangers who had been introduced that morning made it all the way to that playoff and did not come out of it.

They got to the door. They did not get through it.

Now hold that thought and go read the 18th hole. Because in 2026 they won their flight again, and again it came down to an all-flights playoff, and again it went to sudden death — the exact stage where it had ended for them five years earlier. Same two men. Same unfinished business. And with a stroke in hand and a two-tiered green in front of him, Colson Holland reached for his putter.

So by the time 2026 came around, this was not their first rodeo. Five years. A flight title as strangers, a playoff loss that nobody ever quite let go of, and somewhere in the middle Colson slipped off and won the 2025 TCCC Masters with a different horse entirely. The man has been assembling a portfolio of other people’s good rounds since the Biden administration.

Five years, one unfinished playoff, and one consistent variable. It is not Colson. Tournament analysis, 2026

The Format

For the four people reading this who do not play golf.

Two members, one team, best ball, brackets, flights, and a level of intra-club hostility that would alarm an outside observer. You are not just trying to win. You are trying to win against a guy you will have to see at the pool on Sunday. There are no neutral matches at a Member-Member. There is no such thing as a friendly 4&3.

The Triple Crown is the one that counts. Everyone knows which one is the one that counts.


The Matches

A partial accounting. Names withheld to protect the wounded.

Match 1 — The Warning Shot

Nobody expected anything from this team. That is not us being mean, that is the actual pre-tournament read. They were a coin flip to get out of their flight. Then on the 4th hole, from 212 yards, out of a fairway bunker, with a lip, The Partner hit a shot that landed eleven feet from the pin and spun back to four. Colson later described the sound it made off the club as “wrong, in a good way.” Word got around the course before they finished the front nine.

Match 2 — Colson's One Good Hole

We want to be fair to the man. On the 7th, Colson Holland made a genuine, unassisted, nobody-helped-him birdie from 140 yards, and he has talked about it more than most people talk about the birth of their children. He has described the yardage. He has described the wind. He has described what he was thinking. He does not describe what happened on any of the other seventeen holes. He did, however, find time on the 8th tee to mention that his father is the best eye surgeon in the world, which is true, and which had nothing to do with anything.

Match 3 — The Snowman That Did Not Matter

Colson posted an 8 on a par 4. An eight. On a par four. In match play, where you are allowed to pick up. He did not pick up. He played the whole thing out, in front of everyone, because he said he “wanted to see if he could still make bogey,” which he could not, because the number was already 6 when he said it. They won the hole anyway. You can guess how.

Match 4 — The Blackout Stretch

Five consecutive holes where The Partner did not make a putt longer than eight feet and did not miss one shorter. Nothing dramatic. No fist pumps. Just a man methodically removing hope from two other men, one green at a time. The opposing team stopped talking somewhere around the 13th. Their cart ride in was described by a witness as “a funeral where nobody had died yet.”

Match 5 — The Semifinal Nobody Believed

Down two with three to play. Colson had, at this point, contributed a total of one hole across the entire back nine, and that hole was a conceded par. The Partner proceeded to birdie 16, birdie 17, and halve 18 with a par he made from a spot on the property that does not appear in the yardage book. Two down became all square became a win.

The Final — See The Next Page

It went to a sudden-death playoff. The other team still had a par to play for. Colson had a stroke, two inches of rough, an elite short game, and a wedge in the bag. He made the wrong decision.


The Confession

He wrote it himself. He posted it. It is still up.

On October 26th, 2025, after winning the TCCC Masters at Triple Crown Country Club with a different partner entirely, Colson Holland went on Instagram, posted a photo of the two of them, and captioned it — in his own words, of his own free will, with his whole chest —

Colson Holland, 2025 TCCC Masters Champions post
The post. Note the Triple Crown Country Club quarter-zip. Note the caption. Note that he is standing next to the horse while typing it.
Picked a good horse and rode it to victory.
– 2025 TCCC Masters Champions – @colson_holland, October 26, 2025

Eighty likes. Eighteen comments. We want to be very clear about what happened here. This is a man publicly announcing his competitive strategy, and the strategy is find a better player and hold on. He is not embarrassed by this. He considers it a skill. He considers it, we suspect, the skill.

So when he showed up at the 2026 Member-Member alongside Mark Skiba and proceeded to contribute almost nothing for four days before chunking a chip on the last hole, understand that this was not a bad tournament. This was the plan executing perfectly. He told us all a year in advance. Nobody listened.

Horse-picking record. 2025 TCCC Masters: picked a good horse, rode it to victory. 2026 Triple Crown Member-Member: picked Mark Skiba, rode him to victory. Career record when mounted: undefeated. Career record on foot: not discussed.


Contribution Analysis

We did not want to run these numbers. We ran them anyway.

MetricColsonThe Partner
Holes won for the team431
Holes actively lost for the team90
Putts made outside 20 feet17
Shots inside 60 yards that improved the team's position214
Times he said “I got you, partner”230
Times that was true4n/a
Golf balls lost70
Trophy ownership claimed afterward50%50%
Every great Member-Member team has a horse and a passenger. What made this team special is that the passenger genuinely, sincerely believed he was the horse. Tournament analysis, 2026

Outlandish But Unrefuted Claims About The Partner's Game

Every one of these has been said out loud by someone holding a drink.

  • He has never three-putted. Not in this tournament. Ever. In his life. Nobody can produce a counterexample and he has never volunteered one.
  • He does not read greens so much as he is informed of them.
  • He carries thirteen clubs because the fourteenth felt like showing off.
  • His pre-shot routine is 1.8 seconds long and has been timed by three separate people who did not know the others were also timing it.
  • He has never once been observed practicing. Not on the range, not on the putting green, not anywhere. Multiple members have gone looking. He simply appears on the first tee.
  • The 35-footer up the tier on 18 was, by his own account, “not that bad.” It was uphill the entire way, to win a championship, thirty seconds after watching a ball fail to climb the same slope.
  • He has a handicap on paper. Nobody has ever seen him play to it, in either direction, which is somehow worse.
  • He did not high-five once during the entire tournament. Colson attempted seven. All seven were left hanging. All seven are on video.

The one thing everybody agrees on. When it mattered most, he was completely unbothered. Not calm in the way people perform calm — actually, structurally unbothered, like the pressure was a weather event happening to somebody else. Colson has said, more than once, that standing next to him on that 18th green was the most relaxed he has ever felt while being personally responsible for a disaster.

Part 2: The 18th Hole →

The Championship · Part 2 of 2

He Had A Wedge
In The Bag

Two inches of rough. A short game people genuinely talk about. And he reached for the putter.

Regulation had settled nothing. The match went to a sudden-death playoff, which means everybody was tired, everybody was tight, and more than a hundred people had come out to stand around that final green and watch it finish. Somebody’s father-in-law had a Transfusion in each hand. The sun was doing that thing where it comes in low and gold across the green and makes everyone look like they belong in a Ralph Lauren catalog.

And it was not just any playoff. This was the all-flights playoff — flight winners against flight winners, sudden death, for the actual title. The exact stage where, in 2021, these same two strangers had come up short. Five years of unfinished business, and it was all sitting on this green.

And the other team was still alive. That is the part to hold onto. They had not holed out, and they had a look at par still to come. Nothing was banked, nothing was safe, and everybody on that green knew it.

And then came the detail that makes this a permanent, unkillable piece of Triple Crown folklore.

They had a pop. A stroke. On that hole, against that team, Colson Holland was getting a shot. For anyone reading this who does not play: a stroke means one gets knocked off his score. His bogey plays as a par. His double plays as a bogey.

So do the arithmetic. The opponents had a look at par. Colson was getting a stroke, which means an ordinary, unremarkable up-and-down from him plays a shot better than it scores — and their par stops being worth anything at all. He did not need a miracle. He needed to be competent for about ninety seconds, from the one lie on the golf course he is best in the world at. That is not a cushion, that is a mattress.

Now the lie.

He was not on the fringe. He was about two inches into the rough, just off the collar, ball sitting down in it the way a ball sits down in rough. And the green in front of him is two-tiered — he was below the shelf, the hole was up on the top tier.

And now the part that makes this unbearable.

Colson Holland is a tremendous chipper. This is not a set-up for a joke. Ask anybody who has played with him. The man’s short game is the one genuinely elite thing in his bag — soft hands, perfect contact, gets it up and down from places that should not be survivable. People have used the words Phil Mickelson out loud and in earnest. He gives unsolicited instruction on it. He has a philosophy about it.

So the shot in front of him was the shot he is best at, in the world, of all shots. Two inches of rough, a wedge, a soft one up onto the shelf, let it release, tap in. The stroke covers a bogey. It is the exact situation he has spent twenty years being unreasonably good at, arriving at the exact moment it mattered most.

He putted it.

There was an audible reaction from a hundred-plus people. Not a gasp yet — that comes later, and it is worse. This was the low, collective, involuntary noise a crowd makes when it watches a man overthink something. He pulled the putter out of the bag, in the rough, in sudden death, and somebody said “oh no” out loud and to this day nobody has admitted it was them.

Understand the geometry problem. You cannot putt out of two inches of rough and expect the ball to come out with pace, because the grass grabs the putter head and eats the energy before it ever reaches the ball. Every golfer knows this. He knows this. He is the person other people ask about this.

A man with a Phil Mickelson short game putting out of the rough is a surgeon reaching past the scalpel because the scalpel felt a bit showy. Eyewitness testimony, sudden death, hole 18

He chunked it.

The putter caught the grass. The ball came out dead — no pace, no chance, just a soft, apologetic roll toward the hill. And then everybody watched it climb.

It got about halfway up the tier. It slowed. It slowed some more. For a moment — and several people have independently described this moment — it appeared to be thinking about it. It hung there, on the slope, in front of a hundred-odd people, in a sudden-death playoff for a championship.

And then it came back down.

The gasp. You can hear it. It is on the tape and it is in the memory of everyone who was standing there. Not a groan, not a laugh — a proper collective intake of breath, the noise a crowd makes at a medical event. A golf ball rolled backwards down a hill and a hundred grown adults inhaled at once.

The ball trickled back down the slope and settled, leaving Colson Holland roughly where he started, having used one shot, in a playoff, to move the ball a net distance of approximately nothing.

Understand what he had just done. The opponents still had a par to play for. He had a stroke. He had a two-tiered green and a lie in the rough that was tailor-made for the single best club in his bag, swung by one of the better short-game players anybody in that gallery had ever seen. He took the most winnable position in the history of the tournament and converted it into a hole where his partner had to make a thirty-five-foot putt.

Colson looked at the ball. Then at the hill. Then at the sky. Then he did the thing where he puts his hands on his hips and stares into the middle distance like a man who has just remembered every decision that led him there.

For the record. The man’s father performs surgery inside a structure half a millimetre thick, for a living, with his hands. His son had the one shot he is elite at, in his hands, in the rough, with a stroke in his pocket — and left the club in the bag. Genetics is a coin flip and Colson called tails.


Then Mark Skiba Stepped Up

Thirty-five feet. Uphill. Up the tier. For everything.

Here is what makes it worse for Colson: Mark Skiba did not say a single word. He did not console him. He did not make a joke. He walked past the spot where his partner’s ball had just finished its round trip, looked at it for maybe a half second, and kept walking — already reading his own putt, entirely untroubled by the situation he had just been handed.

The putt was thirty-five feet, from the bottom tier, up the same hill the ball had just failed to climb. Uphill the whole way, which means you have to hit it hard, which means the break matters twice as much. And he had just been shown, in high definition, exactly what happens to a ball that comes up short on that slope.

And it was to win. Not to extend it, not to halve it, not to hand anybody a problem. Make this, and the par the other team still had coming is worth nothing and the tournament is over on the spot. Miss it, and you are almost certainly playing another hole with a partner who has just demonstrated what he does under pressure.

He hit it. It climbed the tier, held its line, and went in the absolute dead centre of the hole — the kind where the ball just disappears and the sound comes a half beat later.

Except almost nobody actually saw Mark Skiba watch it go in. Because he did not watch it. He read it, hit it, and turned and walked — started moving toward the handshake while the ball was still climbing. He was already off the line when it dropped. The rattle happened behind him and he did not so much as glance back.

That is not showmanship. That is a man who had done the work, trusted the read, and was not going to stand there and watch a putt he already knew was in.

Same hill. Same slope. Same thirty seconds apart. One of them got the ball up there.

That was the tournament. Not a formality, not a two-putt to close it out — the last stroke played in the 2026 Triple Crown Member-Member was a thirty-five-foot uphill putt to win, struck by a man whose partner had, thirty seconds earlier, moved the ball a net distance of approximately nothing. Two men were still standing there with a par to play for. They never got to hit it. It was over.

What happened next is disputed. Colson says he “showed him the speed.” He maintains, to this day, with a straight face, that by rolling his ball halfway up the hill and back down again he gave his partner “critical information about the pace of that tier.” He has repeated this claim in at least four separate settings, including one business meeting where it was not relevant.

Sudden death, 18thColsonMark Skiba
Lie2″ of roughBottom tier, on the green
Best club for the situationWedgePutter
Club actually usedPutterPutter
Strokes received on the hole10
Opponents still to playA look at parA look at par
Required from him with that strokeBasic competencen/a
Net distance the ball travelledRoughly zero35 feet, into the hole
Got the ball up the tierNoYes
Championship-winning strokes01
Share of trophy claimed afterward50%50%
We were never worried. Colson was worried. The gallery was worried. The superintendent was worried. But we were never worried. The official position of the winning team

The Tape

It was filmed. Of course it was filmed.

Somebody had a phone out. Which means the thirty-five-foot, uphill, all-flights-playoff, sudden-death, tournament-winning putt exists in permanent video form, and can be replayed at will, forever, at any gathering Colson Holland attends for the rest of his natural life.

Watch the bottom of the frame at the end. That is the sound of a golf tournament ending.

Note what the tape does and does not show. It shows Mark Skiba making the putt. It does not show the ball rolling back down the hill thirty seconds earlier. Somebody, somewhere, has that footage too, and the reward for its release remains open.


The Ruling

The championship counts. The names are on the plaques. Both of them. Forever. And every single time Colson tells this story for the rest of his life, somebody in the room is going to say “hang on — you’re the best chipper I know and you putted it?” and he is going to have to relive it in front of his wife, his kids, and eventually his grandchildren.

Next: Why They Call Him Tugboat

Nickname Studies · Volume I

Tugboat

The origin story he tells, and the eleven competing theories that will not go away.

First, the full form. The nickname is not just “Tugboat.” It is Tugboat Teddy — and the people closest to him have worn it down to just Teddy. Which matters, because everything below explains the Tugboat half, and the Teddy half is the part that actually describes him. That is dealt with at the end of the site, in the toast.

The Official Explanation

Boring. Verifiable. Almost certainly incomplete.

Colson Holland is the Chief Financial Officer of Carlisle & Bray Enterprises, parent company of C&B Marine and C&B Energy Services. C&B Marine operates on the river. Boats are involved. Some of those boats push barges. He is therefore, by the transitive property of nicknames, a tugboat. Case closed, everyone go home.

This is the version Colson gives. It is clean, it is professional, and it makes him sound like a maritime executive in a Tom Clancy novel. It is also, we regret to report, only about 30% of the story.


The Other Eleven Theories

Compiled from interviews, group chats, and one deposition-style conversation on a cart path.

1. Displacement

The man does not have a build so much as a draft. He does not walk into a room, he settles into it. Water level noticeably rises when he gets in a pool. Physics is not opinion.

2. He pushes things far larger than himself

A tugboat is 90 feet long and moves 800-foot barges. Colson is 5'10” and has personally carried entire business units, four fantasy football leagues, three group trips, and one golf partner who was doing perfectly fine until hole 18.

3. Top speed: two knots

He has never once been observed running. Not for a plane, not for a putt, not for a cart in the rain. He proceeds. He advances. There is a steady, unbothered inevitability to his forward motion that no amount of urgency can accelerate.

4. The horn

The laugh. You have heard it. It carries across water. It has been confirmed audible from the 4th tee while he was standing on the 12th green. The Coast Guard has, allegedly, filed an inquiry.

5. The wake

Leaves one everywhere he goes. Buffet lines, hotel lobbies, the back nine, the cocktail hour at a wedding that is not his. Small craft are advised to give him a wide berth for at least twenty minutes.

6. Cannot be capsized

Low center of gravity, extremely wide beam, ballast in all the right places. Multiple parties have attempted to put him on the ground in a variety of settings and states. Nobody has managed it. He simply rocks and returns to upright, like one of those inflatable clowns.

7. He is always made fast to something bigger than himself

A tug does not go anywhere alone. It ties on. Dr. Ed Holland, the best eye surgeon in the world. Carlisle & Bray. Olivia. Mark Skiba, standing thirty-five feet below the hole. Colson Holland has spent his entire adult life running a line out to something considerably more impressive than he is and then pulling like hell — and he has never once pretended otherwise. Most men would be quietly insecure about that. He had it embroidered and put it on a golf bag.

8. Reverse is his best gear

Ask him to back a boat trailer down a ramp and you will witness genuine artistry. Ask him to hit a 60-yard wedge and you will witness a crime. He is at his absolute finest moving backward, which is either a nickname explanation or a personality diagnosis.

9. Burns an unreasonable amount of fuel

Nobody that size should require that many calories at 11:40 in the morning. He has ordered a second breakfast at the turn. He has ordered a second breakfast at the turn on the front nine.

10. He is what you call when everything has gone wrong

This is the sincere one, so brace yourself. When a ship loses power in the channel, nobody calls the yacht. They call the ugly little boat that shows up in the dark, ties on, and pulls until the problem is solved. Every single person reading this website has, at some point, been the ship. That is the actual reason the nickname stuck.

11. He accepted it immediately

The final and most damning evidence. A man with any hesitation about being called Tugboat would have fought it. He put it on a golf bag. He answers to it in restaurants. His fiancee has used it in a sentence at a dinner party. He likes it. He has always liked it.

You cannot nickname a man Tugboat against his will. At some point he has to want it. Nickname Studies, Vol. I

Equipment Studies · Soft Goods Division

The Headcovers

Two collections. One is an unauthorised rebrand of an actual country club. The other is a fleet of three tugboats that give him advice he ignores.

Most golfers buy headcovers. Colson Holland commissions them. What follows is a documented survey of a man who cannot reliably advance a golf ball eighteen inches, but who has produced two complete branded product lines to keep the equipment that fails him warm and dry.

2Full Collections
1Country Clubs Rebranded
0Golf Lessons Taken

Collection I: Colson’s Country Club

The rebrand is further along than the club realises.

The Colson's Country Club headcover collection
The full CCC line. Navy and cream. Laurel wreaths. Crossed clubs. A ball on a tee. This is a man's coat of arms.

Now look closely at that crest, and then go look at the logo on the quarter-zip he wears at his actual club. Same wreath. Same monogram treatment. Same crossed clubs, same ball on a tee, same font, same navy. He did not design a logo. He took Triple Crown Country Club’s crest — the crest of the real club, the one on the wooden plaque he and Mark Skiba are holding in the championship photo — and he swapped out “Triple Crown” for “Colson’s.”

Think about the sequence of events required. He looked at the emblem of a real institution with a real course and real dues and real members, and his conclusion was: close, but it should say my name. Then he had it embroidered. Four times. In two materials. And then he brought them to that same club and put them on the bag, in front of the members, where the actual crest is on actual signage.

Where things currently stand. Sources close to the situation confirm that the Triple Crown Country Club board has not approved a name change. Sources close to Colson Holland confirm that he has not asked. Merchandise, however, has already been produced, which in most industries is considered the point of no return.

The proposed rebrandStatus
Current nameTriple Crown Country Club
Proposed nameColson’s CCC Country Club
Board approvalPending. Indefinitely.
Applications submittedZero
Merchandise already manufacturedFour pieces
Merchandise already worn on propertyFour pieces
Members who have noticedAll of them
Members who have said anythingNone
Proposed greens committeeColson
Proposed head professionalAlso Colson, alarmingly
Course record holderColson. Set by Colson. Verified by Colson.
Navy leather CCC mallet cover
The navy leather with the laurel wreath. Laurels are traditionally awarded for victory. He ordered his in advance.
Argyle CCC mallet putter cover
The argyle mallet. The crown jewel. Keep this one in mind — it comes back at the end of this page and it is devastating.
Every great club is known for something. Augusta has the azaleas. Pebble has the coastline. Colson’s Country Club has arms. Equipment Studies, Soft Goods Division

Collection II: The Fleet

Three tugboats. Numbered like jerseys. Each one issuing advice he does not take.

Tugboat headcovers on a golf cart seat
The fleet, moored on a cart seat. Numbers 7, 9 and 4. Anchors on every patch. Somebody made these on purpose.

The man is not gesturing at the nickname any more. He is not hinting. He commissioned a fleet — three actual tugboats, in fleece, with hulls and portholes and little smokestacks, and put them on a golf cart. There is no further layer to this. We have reached the bottom.

No. 7, navy — “STUBBORN TUG”

Seven. The same number on the St. Henry banner, which means this is not a random digit, this is a man reissuing his own jersey number to a piece of fabric thirty years later. And “stubborn” is not an insult here, it is a spec sheet. You do not talk him out of a club. Ask anybody who was standing on the 18th green.

No. 9, orange — “GRIP IT & RIP IT”

A tugboat that says grip it and rip it is a contradiction on the level of a diet milkshake. Tugboats do not rip. Tugboats proceed. A tugboat has never ripped anything in the entire history of inland marine transport. This cover is lying about its own boat, and Colson put it on the driver, which tells you which version of himself he would like to be.

No. 4, green — “SLOW BUT SURE”

The only honest one in the fleet, and also the single best piece of golf instruction ever embroidered onto anything. Slow. But sure. Take the safe option, roll it up the hill, two-putt, shake hands, go get a drink.

Now sit with this. On the 18th green, in sudden death, with a stroke in hand and a two-tiered green in front of him and two inches of rough under his ball, Colson Holland was standing next to a golf bag on which a small orange tugboat was saying GRIP IT & RIP IT. That was the note. That was the whole instruction. Take the wedge, commit, hit it. He had the answer with him, it was written down, it was stitched onto a boat — and he took the putter out instead. The result is documented here.

Every man carries his conscience somewhere. His is fleece, it is orange, and he ignored it. Equipment Studies, Soft Goods Division

The Doctrine

The unwritten rules of the Holland bag, written down here for the first time.

Rule 1: Nobody else touches them

A caddie once removed the driver cover as a courtesy and the temperature on that tee box dropped fifteen degrees. Colson did not say anything. He took the boat, re-seated it, removed it himself, and set it down at a specific angle. Everyone understood. Nobody has done it since.

Rule 2: Re-covering is immediate and non-negotiable

The club is covered before the ball has landed. Before. The ball is still in the air, the outcome genuinely unknown, and the boat is already moored for the night. On one occasion he covered the club, walked to the cart, and then had to be informed he had hit it out of bounds.

Rule 3: The fleet rotates by matchup

He selects the boat based on the opponent. This is real. Friendly group, you get the navy. Guys he does not like, GRIP IT & RIP IT goes on the driver and faces outward on the bag, at eye level, for eighteen holes. It is psychological warfare conducted entirely through fleece.

Rule 4: The putter has been stripped

Correct. After the 18th hole, the putter was formally denied all cover privileges in what witnesses describe as a brief, almost military ceremony. It now rides bare in the bag, exposed to the elements, as a warning to the other clubs. The reason is documented here.

Rule 5: The wedge covers are immaculate

And here we arrive at the part that is too on-the-nose to be fiction. The cleanest, least-worn, most perfectly preserved covers in that entire bag are the ones on his wedges — the clubs he is genuinely brilliant with. Not a scuff. Not a mark. Because on the most important hole of his life, with two inches of rough and a championship on the line, he left them on.

Those wedge covers went through an entire Triple Crown without being disturbed once. The most expensive decision in Colson Holland’s golfing life

Cost-Benefit Analysis

ItemAmountNotes
Custom collections commissioned2Colson's Country Club, and a fleet
Country clubs rebranded without permission1His own. He is a member there.
Golf lessons taken, lifetime0He has “got it figured out”
Vessels in the fleet3Numbered 7, 9 and 4
Pieces of good advice ignored on 181“Grip it & rip it.” Stitched. Right there.
Strokes saved by any of this0This is the whole point

What Olivia Should Know

These are coming with him. All of them. Both collections. The fleet will live in your home. At some point one of them will end up on a shelf, and one day you will be asked whether the orange one or the green one looks better by the door, and the correct answer is to pick one confidently and never revisit it.

Also, and we say this with love: he is going to try to get you a CCC cover. He may have already ordered it. As of August 29th you are a charter member of a rebrand nobody voted on, and the initiation fee has already been paid.

Next: The 68 MPH Fastball →

Baseball Archives · Northern Kentucky

The Legend Of
The 68 MPH Heater

Slowest unhittable pitch in the recorded history of American amateur baseball. The math is genuinely disturbing.

Let us be honest about the number, because the number is not good. Colson Holland's fastball topped out at sixty-eight miles per hour. Sixty-eight. There are high school softball pitchers who would have to be talked down off a ledge over sixty-eight. There is a speed limit in parts of Kentucky higher than his best pitch.

And yet. And yet.

Colson Holland, St. Henry Crusaders baseball banner, number 7
Number 7. On a banner. At the school. Permanently. A man does not get put on the wall for sixty-eight miles an hour unless something else was going on.
68Max Velocity (MPH)
3,410Spin Rate (RPM)
44Off-Speed (MPH)

Why It Worked Anyway

Four explanations. At least one of them is true.

The spin rate was a felony.

Sixty-eight miles an hour at 3,410 RPM is not a fastball, it is a rumor. That ball did not travel toward home plate so much as hover its way there while rotating like a drill bit. Hitters described it as arriving “from above,” which is not a thing a fastball is supposed to do. It had nineteen inches of arm-side run. Nineteen. Big league average is about fifteen, and those guys throw ninety-five.

The off-speed pitch was forty-four.

Forty-four miles an hour. That is twenty-four miles per hour of separation off a sixty-eight mile per hour fastball, which is roughly double what a major league pitcher gets to work with, and it turned a mediocre arm into a genuine problem. The ball left his hand, climbed, hung at the top of its arc long enough for the hitter to revisit several life choices, and then arrived.

One catcher described receiving it as “a scheduling issue.” An opposing coach is alleged to have started a stopwatch. And there exist two separate, independently witnessed instances of a batter swinging twice at the same pitch — once early, out of hope, and once on time, out of spite.

The radar guns were calibrated in knots.

We want to flag this one, because it is our favorite and because it ties the entire website together. Every gun in the Ohio River valley in that era was, allegedly, calibrated for marine use. If sixty-eight was a knots reading — and we have no evidence that it was, but also nobody has produced evidence that it wasn't — then Colson Holland was throwing seventy-eight point three miles per hour. The tugboat was always in him. The tugboat has always been in him.

He was completely unafraid.

You do not get to sixty-eight miles an hour and keep taking the ball without a very specific kind of confidence. He pitched inside. At sixty-eight. He brushed hitters back at a velocity they could have caught barehanded. One documented instance exists of a batter stepping out of the box not because he was scared but because he was confused about what was happening to him emotionally.


The Career Line

CategoryColsonNotes
Top velocity68 MPHOr 78.3, if you accept the knots hypothesis
Velocity separation, FB to off-speed24 MPHRoughly double a big leaguer's
Arm-side run19 in.Four inches more than an MLB average fastball
Hit batsmen6All of them apologized to him
Pitches that reached the catcher on the flyMostNot all. Most.
Fear generated0 MPH worthYet somehow non-zero
It came in at sixty-eight and it arrived at ninety-one. I have thought about that pitch more than I have thought about most members of my own family. Composite testimony of every hitter who faced him

The tragedy of it all. The same hands that generated 3,410 RPM of unhittable spin cannot, thirty years later, get a golf ball to the top of a two-tiered green with a putter. And his father still performs microsurgery inside the human cornea. Somewhere in that family the fine-motor genes took a hard left turn. See the 18th hole.

Wellness Desk · Ongoing Coverage

The Physique

At some point in the last few years, Colson Holland decided to get significantly stronger. The results are undeniable. The shorts are indefensible.

We need to give credit before we take it away. The man is in genuinely excellent shape. Arms, shoulders, back, quads — all of it, visibly, the product of real and repeated work that nobody forced him to do. He shows up. He puts in the sets. For a guy whose fastball topped out at sixty-eight miles an hour, the current build represents an enormous personal comeback.

That is the entire compliment. It is over now.

Colson Holland training
White ribbed tank. Grey shorts. Beaming. This is a man who is exactly where he wants to be.
0Sleeves Owned
3″Estimated Inseam
68MPH, Still

The Shorts

We have to talk about the shorts.

Grey. Short. Short. Not athletic-short. Not modern-five-inch-inseam short. We are talking about a garment that has been photographed multiple times and in every single instance appears to be losing a fight with his own quadriceps. There is more Colson Holland visible below the hem than above it. A structural engineer would look at the load distribution and have concerns.

And here is what elevates it from a wardrobe choice to a personality trait: he knows. He is smiling in every photo. He is aware of the shorts. He selected the shorts. Somebody in his life has almost certainly said something about the shorts, and the shorts are still here. That is not an accident, that is a platform.

Colson Holland in the gym
Submitted without further comment. Note the hem. Note that both men are delighted.

Top half

Tank top. Always. White ribbed, black Under Armour, does not matter. The sleeve was identified as an obstacle years ago and eliminated.

Bottom half

Minimal. Contested. Under review.

A man does not accidentally end up in shorts like that. A man arrives in shorts like that. Wellness Desk, ongoing coverage

Colson Holland, cable work
The back is, we have to admit, a real back. Built entirely so that it could one day fail to move a golf ball eleven feet.

The Soundtrack

In one documented training session, the television mounted in the gym is displaying “Walk This Way (feat. Aerosmith).” Not a playlist he stumbled into. Not the gym’s music. A song, on a screen, selected, in a room where a man in a Reds tank top is flexing next to him and both of them are having the time of their lives.

We have nothing to add. We simply feel everyone should know that this is the soundtrack.


The Central Contradiction

The strongest he has ever been. The softest putt ever struck.

FeatResult
Pulling a weighted sled across turfNo problem
TRX rows to failureRepeatedly
Lat pulldowns, full stackComfortably
Carrying Olivia across a room for a photoEffortless
Moving a golf ball out of two inches of rough with a putterCould not

This is the thing that should keep sports scientists awake. A man built like that, with a wedge in the bag and one of the finest short games in the county, elected to putt out of two inches of rough and could not get the ball to the top of a small hill. Whatever he has been training, it is not that. The incident is documented in full here.

Peaking for August 29th. He is going to be in the best shape of his life at that altar. The tux is going to be tailored within an inch of its life. He is going to do one last set in the hotel gym that morning. And Olivia, who fell for him years ago when he had none of this, is going to look at him and love him exactly the same amount. Which he knows. Which is why he is doing it anyway.

The Other Side Of The Aisle

The Hollands

The family that produced him. Somehow.

Dr. Ed Holland

The standard. The shoes. The reason this whole bit works.

Ed and Lynette Holland
Ed and Lynette. Note the posture of a man who has never once wondered whether he made the right career choice.

This summer the family went to Italy for Dr. Ed Holland’s birthday. Still the best in the world at the thing he does. Still, by all accounts, the most relaxed person in any room he walks into — which is a genuinely annoying trait in someone who spends his working life performing microsurgery inside the human eye.

The Holland family in Italy for Ed's birthday
Italy, summer 2026, for Ed’s birthday. Colson, Olivia, Ed, Lynette, Natalie, Kelsey, and Kelsey’s boyfriend, who somehow got invited.

Lynette

Colson’s step-mom, and a world-class Pilates reformer instructor — which means she has built an entire career on control, precision and restraint, three qualities that did not make it down the family tree into her stepson’s short game. She is also now taking up golf. Give her eighteen months. There is a live possibility she out-scores him, and if that happens this website gets a sequel.

Natalie & Kelsey

The sisters. Between them they hold the complete unedited archive — every story on this website in its original and considerably less flattering form, plus roughly thirty years of material we were never given access to. They have chosen not to release it. That restraint is the only reason this site is ten pages long instead of forty.

And then there is Kelsey’s boyfriend. Who somehow got invited. To Italy. For the birthday of a man he is not related to. We have no notes on this individual, no history, no supporting documentation — only the photographic evidence that he was in Sardinia, in the group shot, front and centre, on somebody else’s family holiday. Frankly it is the single most impressive short-game display in this entire archive, and Colson should be taking notes.


The Shoes

Nine pages of this website depend on them being enormous. They are.

Every son lives in some version of his father’s shadow. Most of those shadows are a normal size. Colson Holland’s is cast by a man who restores human eyesight for a living, which means the bar was not set high so much as it was set in orbit.

Dr. Ed Holland’s speciality is the cornea — the clear front window of the eye, roughly half a millimetre thick, through which every single thing you have ever seen has passed. When that fails, a person’s entire world goes with it. And when those cases get bad enough that the surgeons who normally handle them start shaking their heads, the patients get sent to Cincinnati.

Consider what the job actually is. A man wakes up, drinks a coffee, drives to work, scrubs in, and then — using instruments whose tips you cannot see without magnification — works inside a structure thinner than a credit card. At the end of it, somebody who could not see their kids’ faces that morning can see them that night. Then he does it again. Then he does it again for a few decades. Then he starts a foundation so that it keeps happening after he stops.

Nobody is filling those shoes. Not Colson, not his sisters, not the next four surgeons who train under the man. That is what “best in the world” means — it is a category with one occupant. Setting it as the benchmark for your own life is not ambition, it is a diagnosable condition.

So Colson did the correct thing, which was to go and get his own shoes. He became the Chief Financial Officer of a real company that moves real freight on a real river. He won a Triple Crown Member-Member, which required a partner and thirty-five feet of divine intervention but which is nonetheless engraved. And on August 29th he is marrying a woman who, by any reasonable assessment, has no business marrying him.

You do not have to fill your father's shoes. You have to fill your own, and you have to not be a disappointment at the dinner table. He is two for two. The management of this website

Next: The Hollmans →

The Bride · The Family · The Mystery

The Hollmans

On August 29th, a Holland marries a Hollman. One of those two families is clearly getting the better end of this deal.

Colson Holland and Olivia
The engagement photo. One of these two people is visibly delighted to have gotten away with something. It is not the one in the white dress.

There is a moment at every wedding when the bride comes through the doors and everybody turns to look. And there is a second, much funnier moment, roughly a half-second later, when everybody turns to look at the groom looking at the bride. On August 29th, that second moment is going to be the single greatest thing any of us have ever witnessed, because Colson Holland is going to stand up there with the exact facial expression of a man who has just realized the paperwork went through.

Let us establish the disparity.

The Bride is a smoke show. We are not going to dress that up in nicer language, because there is no nicer language and everybody involved already knows. She walks into a room and the room adjusts. Meanwhile Colson is a man whose nickname is a boat. A short, wide boat. A boat specifically known for being the least attractive vessel on the entire river.

Her

Beautiful. Sharp. Funny in the dangerous way, where she lets you finish your whole story before dismantling it. Well liked by literally everyone. Has never putted out of the rough in her life, largely because she was smart enough to never take up golf.

Him

Tugboat.

He is punching so far above his weight that the officiating commission has opened an inquiry. Preliminary findings
The proposal
The proposal. Rose petals, a table, a bottle, and a man on one knee who had clearly been rehearsing in the car. She said yes, which remains the single most surprising result in this entire archive.

On The Age Gap

He did not rob the cradle. But he was in the room. He was near the cradle.

We want to be extremely clear and legally precise: Colson Holland did not rob the cradle. Everybody is a consenting, tax-paying, fully licensed adult and the whole thing is completely above board.

That said. He was close enough to the cradle that he could hear the mobile playing. Close enough that when they compare cultural references there is a soft, unspoken pause. Close enough that he has had to explain what a Blockbuster was. Close enough that at least one wedding guest is going to do the math on a cocktail napkin and then look up sharply.

We would like to enter one piece of evidence. On April 24th, 2021, Colson Holland posted a photograph of himself carrying Olivia across a room, tagged University of Kentucky Tri Delta, captioned:

Colson carrying Olivia, University of Kentucky Tri Delta, 2021
April 24, 2021. Tagged: University of Kentucky Tri Delta. Sixty-eight likes, ten comments.
The only girl that could get me back to a sorority event. @colson_holland, April 24, 2021

“Back to.” Back to. A grown man with a salary and a 401(k) and opinions about bond duration, returning to a sorority function, and being so pleased about it that he documented it publicly. Sixty-eight likes. Ten comments. We have read all ten and several of them are just people typing the word “sir.”

Official ruling: Cradle intact. No larceny occurred. Cradle-adjacent activity acknowledged. Case dismissed with a warning and a raised eyebrow.


The Hollmans

Rob. Molly. Lauren. Logan. And now, against all available evidence, Colson.

The Hollman family and spouses
The whole operation. Note that every single person in this photograph is well dressed, well adjusted and visibly happy. Then note who they let stand on the end.

Here is the thing that says the most about this family: they said yes. They met a man whose entire public identity is a river vessel, watched him mention his father’s surgical career four separate times in one dinner, presumably heard about the putt on 18 at some point, and they let him in anyway. That is grace. That is real, unearned, biblical grace.

Rob & Molly

The parents, and the reason the rest of it works. Rob has the specific calm of a man who has already decided he likes you and is simply waiting for you to relax about it. Molly runs the whole thing at a level of competence nobody fully appreciates until they try to organise anything themselves.

Lauren

The sister. Which means she has had years of practice evaluating men who show up wanting to date a Hollman, and she has developed an eyebrow for it. Colson passed. We are not entirely clear how, and we suspect an appeal process was involved.

Logan

Summit Hills Member-Guest Champion

The brother. And — we cannot stress this enough — he just won the Summit Hills Member-Guest. Colson Holland has spent five years and one catastrophic wedge decision assembling a golf resume, and his future brother-in-law strolled in and matched the vibe before the man had even changed his last name. There is now a trophy race inside this family and Colson is not comfortably ahead of it.

Colson

Provisional member. Admitted August 29th. Terms under review.

Olivia and Molly in Paris
Olivia and Molly. In Paris. Under a Lanson umbrella. This is the gene pool, and this is the standard of living, and Colson is being allowed to join both.
Colson, Olivia, Molly and Rob
Colson, Olivia, Molly and Rob. He is on the far end, which is where they put you until the paperwork clears.

They are, by every account we have collected, an outstanding family — the kind where the holidays are loud, the door is always open, the food situation is aggressive, and everybody hugs on arrival whether you were emotionally prepared for it or not. Colson is not just marrying Olivia. He is being absorbed into a functioning ecosystem, and he is lucky twice over.

What she gets

A CFO with a stable job, a nickname she has already accepted, a father-in-law who is the best eye surgeon in the world, and a husband who will love her with an intensity that is frankly a little embarrassing to watch.

What he gets

Everything. All of it. The whole thing. Rob, Molly, Lauren, Logan, the holidays, the open door. He gets absolutely everything and he knows it, and if you look closely at him during the vows you will see the exact moment he thinks about it.

Nobody at this wedding will be asking what she sees in him. Everybody at this wedding will be asking what she sees in him. The seating chart, allegedly

The Countdown →

Saturday · August 29th · 2026

He Actually
Pulled It Off

The Triple Crown Member-Member tournament was the second-biggest upset of his year.

Days
Hours
Minutes
Seconds

Until Colson Holland marries The Bride and this entire website becomes a historical document.


Order Of Events

Unofficial. Predicted with high confidence.

TimeEvent
MorningColson tells four separate people that his father is the best eye surgeon in the world. Unprompted. All four already knew.
T-minus 60 minKnocks out “a few quick curls” in the hotel room so the tux sits right. Nobody asked him to. Everybody knows he did.
ProcessionalDoors open. Room turns. Groom's face does something none of us have seen before.
VowsHe gets through approximately eleven words.
RecessionalThe horn. You will hear the horn. Everyone will hear the horn.
Cocktail hourThe 18th hole comes up within nine minutes. He explains that he was “showing Mark the speed.”
DinnerSecond dinner.
ReceptionMultiple attempts to put Tugboat on the ground. All fail. Low center of gravity.
LateThe Partner is handed a microphone. Says almost nothing. Destroys the room.

One Real Thing

The only part of this website that is not a joke.

We have spent nine pages telling you that Colson Holland will never fill his father’s shoes. That bit works because the shoes are genuinely enormous.

Dr. Ed Holland runs the Holland Foundation for Sight Restoration. It exists for people with corneal blindness caused by severe ocular surface disease — the cases where a standard corneal transplant will not work, where patients have usually already been told no somewhere else. The foundation funds that treatment and trains the surgeons who perform it, using an approach he developed called the Cincinnati Protocol. The short version: people who could not see their families walk in, and then they can.

If this website made you laugh, the foundation is at hollandfoundationforsight.org. It is the only link on this entire site that is not a joke, and it is a very good place to put a few dollars in honour of a man who is about to become a Holland-in-law and a family worth marrying into.


A Toast

Colson, you are the best chipper any of us know, and on the most important shot of your life you left the wedge in the bag, putted it out of two inches of rough, and watched the ball roll halfway up a hill and come back down to you. And somehow you still ended up with your name engraved in the Triple Crown history books. We have thought about that a lot this year, and we have decided it is not a story about golf.

It is a story about a guy who keeps ending up on the winning side of things he probably should not have won, because he has spent his entire life tying himself to people who are better than him and then pulling like hell. Your dad, who is the best in the world at something and whose shoes you will never come close to filling — and who, for the record, does not care even slightly. Your firm. Your partner on 18. And now The Bride, who is out of your league by a margin that has caused genuine confusion among your friends.

That is not luck. That is the whole skill. Recognizing something better than you and refusing to let go of the line. It is the least glamorous boat on the river and it is the one everybody calls when it matters.

Now the part we actually mean.

Most people call him Tugboat. The full version is Tugboat Teddy, and the people who know him best have shortened it to just Teddy — which is the more honest of the two names, because it is the one that describes what he is actually like.

Teddy Holland is as genuine and as caring as it gets. Not in the way people say that in toasts. In the way that when something goes wrong in your life, he is one of the first three phone calls, and he does not need to be asked twice, and he does not make it complicated. He shows up. At the airport, at the hospital, at eleven at night on a Tuesday when you need somebody to sit there and not say much. He would give you the shirt off his back and then apologise that it was not a nicer shirt.

He remembers things, too. Your kid's name. The thing you were worried about six months ago. He asks about it later, when everybody else has moved on. That is a rarer quality than a good short game, and considerably rarer than a Member-Member title.

Which is the whole point of the nickname when you get down to it. A tug is the least glamorous boat on the river. Nobody photographs it. But when a ship loses power in the dark and the current has it, the tug is what comes. Every single person reading this has been the ship at some point, and Teddy showed up.

Olivia is not getting a project. She is getting a man who was already good, and who has spent his whole life quietly being the person everybody else can count on. The golf is a bonus. The golf is, frankly, barely a bonus.

You will never fill your father's shoes. Nobody will. But you found somebody who does not care about that at all, and that is the better outcome. Everybody who is going to be in that room on August 29th

Congratulations, Tugboat.
Now for the love of God, use the wedge.